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Hell Points at Home — Summoned Demons Review Tasteless Movies on DVD

Beowulf (2007)

Summary: CGI fails to make Angelina Jolie attractive, Anthony Hopkins act, or Gollum's brother scary.
Warnings: "PG-13" for intense sequences of revulsion (Jolie nude) and boredom (Malkovich, Hopkins)
Hell Points: 2/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

Oh, oh, a movie about Beowulf, hooray! It's only been two years since Beowulf & Grendel tried hard with a shoestring budget, and a full eight years since Christopher Lambert utterly destroyed hopes that a quality version might be attempted in the next decade - and yet here comes a contender!

A contender Lambert faces down. Beowulf is more a documentary: how to make a really expensive movie that remains utterly horrible.

It's the Last Temptation of Christ version of the saga, and relying on CGI it hopes to compensate for a total lack of acceptable acting, scripting, editing, or common sense. Robert Zemeckis directed Demon Knight for cryin' out loud, and Demon Knight, like Lambert, positively shines next to this dark, excruciating, sodden hunk of mulch.

Rumor has it newer models of Blu-Ray and DVD players will refuse to play Beowulf. While DemonShrine dislikes technology nannies, in this case we must agree - think of the children! And adults, too.

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