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Hell Points at Home — Summoned Demons Review Tasteless Movies on DVD

Let the Right One In | (Låt den Rätte Komma In) (2008)

Summary: The most fulfilling vampire movie in modern memory. Yes, really.
Warnings: "R" or more; a mind-searing if ambiguous 12-year-old vampire pubic shot? Argh.
Hell Points: 9/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

Sweden's vampire preemptive response to Twilight results in an epic of love, vampires, and a celebration of society and individuality seldom seen from big-budget Hollywood. This film is beyond the genre, a masterwork, and is officially the new standard by which all future vampire films should be judged. If the demons are the judge, it will take Citizen Kane with fangs to get anywhere close.

Mulberry St. (2006)

Summary: If George Romero goes on nicotine strike and is handed some rat masks, you might get this...
Warnings: "R" is for "argh" - said when people toss themselves off of tall buildings for no good reason.
Hell Points: 5/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

This should have been simply dreadful. It's a zombie movie, except the zombies are rat-people. There's none of the zombie "symbolic parallels" to fall back on, which is what - once upon a time - made the zombie genre almost intellectual. Mulberry St. departs from intellectual debates and gives the demons people who eat other people because, infected with an undetermined rat genetic resequencing (saliva, blood), uh... so yes, this should have sucked. It did not, or not entirely.

Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008)

Summary: Half of a Sutherland, same old Feldman; same dead plot.
Warnings: "R" for the obvious, pervasive off-screen drug use of Angus Sutherland
Hell Points: 1/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

It is hard to imagine that Lost Boys: The Tribe had a budget slightly below the cost of a used Blue-Ray disc, but the proof's right there on the screen. If you are a Corey Feldman fan, prepare to... snap, the demons nearly kept a straight face. Corey Feldman fan? Too funny. Lost Boys: The Tribe goes downhill the moment one remembers the original movie. Since this is a really horrible accidental remake, that translates to: instantly.

Unearthed (2008)

Summary: Vague plot, Vaugier acting - and a bag of B-movie horror staples.
Warnings: "R" for horror... if you are frightened by rubber "Alien" halloween suits.
Hell Points: 4/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

All right now, this was a Horrorfest 2007 movie, and all of them together don't have a budget that Paris Hilton's chihuahua could live on for a week. But it should still have tried harder in the relatively cheap area of making a script that doesn't snicker at the audience. Fail.

Doomsday (2008)

Summary: Rhona Mitra "stars" in this mash of Mad Max, Resident Evil, and Hairspray.
Warnings: "R" for ruining a Bentley; Malcolm McDowell; bad guy is named "Kane" - again
Hell Points: 6/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

Rhona Mitra spent several months training to be a low-budget stand-in for Kate Beckinsale and Milla Jovovich. It works, if only because she looks like she slipped steroids into the mix. To be fair to Doomsday, the hackneyed plot and "interesting" conceit of Judge Dredd meets Thunderdome meets First Knight are not its downfall, which is astonishing. No, the downfall came from everything else that sucked.

Automaton Transfusion (2007)

Summary: $30k gets you a chainsaw, teenagers, red paint, and an early draft of "Universal Soldier" fan fiction.
Warnings: Every positive critic quote or review has surely been taken out of context. Or taken out to the bar.
Hell Points: 2/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

Considering the kindness of demons when it comes to these budget to suck ratios, it is simply astonishing that a movie with almost no budget ($30,000) can get a rating this bad. But there it is.

Tooth and Nail (2007)

Summary: Proving you don't need a budget to make a crappy post-apocalyptic movie with... Michael Madsen?
Warnings: "Unrated" because the MPAA never heard of this one. Executive Producer: Michael Madsen (demonic laughter)
Hell Points: 4/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

The initial montage and voice-over does its best to turn away any die-hard fans of the 8 Films to Die For franchise, and since further expository yammering is required to explain away the budget (lack of people), the first half hour does a good job finishing off any final lingering potato couches... but then it gets better. Nowhere else to go, eh?

Right, so the entire world killed itself in 2012 when crude oil stopped flowing. We blame demons! The movie blames... experts. Plus one to demons!

Beowulf (2007)

Summary: CGI fails to make Angelina Jolie attractive, Anthony Hopkins act, or Gollum's brother scary.
Warnings: "PG-13" for intense sequences of revulsion (Jolie nude) and boredom (Malkovich, Hopkins)
Hell Points: 2/10 as per the Demonshrine "adjusted for budget" rules.

It's the Last Temptation of Christ version of the saga, and relying on CGI it hopes to compensate for a total lack of acceptable acting, scripting, editing, or common sense. Robert Zemeckis directed Demon Knight for cryin' out loud, and Demon Knight, like Lambert, positively shines next to this dark, excruciating, sodden hunk of mulch.

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